


Luna's seventh tip (or what the Einhörnchen really does)

by herumtreiber



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Male Slash, Mpreg, Rating: NC17, Romance, Runes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 12:46:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herumtreiber/pseuds/herumtreiber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luna asks a favour of Draco which he unwillingly grants. Things spiral out of control when Draco looks for a murderer Animagus. Someone appears to have planned carefully in advance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Luna's seventh tip (or what the Einhörnchen really does)

**Author's Note:**

> Written in response to the following prompts: enchanted_jae 's JMDC # 66: _Do you like it hot?_ and harrydracompreg prompt # 10.  
>  The basic information about the Einhörnchen came from the Midgard Wiki. Their role in fertility rites is my own invention.

 

 

Draco pushed the orange feline towards Luna. “No can do, Lovegood.”

“Come on, Draco! I can’t take care of him like I promised Hermione. Rolf and I are going to Italy.” Luna fingered her necklace made of rutabagas and yellow beans, rubbing the grains between her fingers as if they were prayer beads. “This opportunity came up unexpectedly, after she and Ron left for their second honeymoon.”

“Their third, Luna!”

Crookshanks jumped from the table. Edging away from Draco, he crouched and flexed his claws. The blond looked sharply at the feline and his gaze followed Luna’s flowing toga. “What are you going to do, go to the Coliseum?”

“Not at all, Draco. Rolf and I are following the trail of the _cornascoiatollis_.”

Draco glared at the blonde woman. “What in Merlin’s name are those?”

“We found a manuscript…” Luna trailed off, bending down to pick up Crookshanks. “Those animals were used by ancient Roman wizards for fertility rites. We plan to follow their migration through the Alps.”

Draco steepled his fingers. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you, Luna. I’m worried how the cat will react to Freyja.”

Luna raised her eyebrows. “Who is that?”

Draco smirked. “Surely you recall her? It was you who said the animal was eating my hair.”

Luna stared at Draco’s burgundy lapels, trying to recall that moment. “I remember! You screamed like a girl.”

The blond huffed. “I expressed my surprise in the dignified manner befitting--"

“A Malfoy. Yes, it’s what you always say.” Luna smiled innocently.

 “-- An Unspeakable, Lovegood. I’m not as predictable as you lot think.” Draco glanced at a parchment bearing the seal of the Ministry. Pushing it to his right, he noticed Luna had a similar one next to the sleeve of her toga. Scowling at her, he went on, “The cat is too Gryffindor for me.”

A small furry animal, about ten inches long, skittered across the living room before Luna could answer. The rodent chittered agitatedly when she saw Crookshanks who appeared ready to pounce and was stopped at the last second by Luna.

Freyja had reddish fur with white underside; her large bushy tail was larger than her body, curling upwards as if to protect her from the ginger feline’s menacing glare. She rapidly climbed Draco’s uniform, stopping at his shoulder.

Sighing, the blond took out a small nut from his pocket and offered it to his pet, rubbing her small ivory horn, about an inch long.

Luna sighed dreamily; her gaze rested on the photograph of Harry’s wedding to Draco which she was unable to attend. “What a strange name you chose for her!”

“Not as strange as those _cornacollis_ you’re going to chase,” replied the blond, sniffing haughtily. “I read it on the German webpage where I found out about her species. They help people find love and their mates, you know. They’re called _Einhörnchen_.”

“Oh, so you speak German?”

 “Not really. I used a translation spell. Muggles build such flimsy things.” Draco looked shiftily at the black laptop on the table, mumbling to himself, “Luckily Harry thinks his machine got sick; a virus he said.”

The horned squirrel squeaked angrily at Draco, as if reproaching him for his Slytherin ways. She scurried down his robes and escaped to the kitchen while Crookshanks shoot daggers at Luna, who held him by the scruff of his neck.

The snowy-haired woman looked at Draco with a gleam in her eyes not unlike Dumbledore’s. “You’re wrong, Draco, Crookshanks is not a Gryffindor. Rolf says all cats would be sorted into Slytherin anyway. Besides, you owe me. I remember Freyja helped you with Harry.”

Draco bristled. “Not at all. I had a plan, I’ll let you know!” He looked at the window of their apartment, wondering when his husband would come back from Auror headquarters.

“So when you screamed that night and Harry came over to find out if you were in danger, and you poured the cocktail on his uniform--“

“That was part of the plan, Lovegood.” Draco heard the scratching sound of a quill, turning to face Luna he saw she was busy scribbling on a small creamy parchment.

“What are you doing, Lovegood? Taking notes for the next edition of the Quibbler?”

Luna replied absently. “Something like that. If you won’t help me, then I’ll have to ask Pansy--"

“Are you barmy, Lovegood? Pansy is too caught up in her romance with Blaise; she won’t take care of the poor cat.”

“Ok, then Crookshanks will stay with Neville.”

“And risk being devoured by Longbottom’s strange plants. No!” Draco sighed resignedly, crossing his arms as he scowled at Luna. “When do you say Granger is coming back?”

“In two weeks.”

“I’ll take the cat. But if Freyja suffers…"

“Don’t worry; your pet is more than she appears.”

After Luna used the Floo, Draco noticed she had left her parchment behind. Making the mental note to give it back as soon as she returned, he couldn’t refrain from reading it.

Glancing at it, he mumbled, “Lovegood is crazy. Rub the squirrel’s horn for what?  Can’t understand her scrawls, she writes just like Harry. Virility? Then I’ll make sure to do it.”

He went down the list.

“What does she mean by this? Typical Quibbler rubbish: _Make love under the lights, eat fried squid, visit the middle, Ing the earth god, walk the straight path._ ” Draco squinted at the parchment, rubbing the soft vellum with his thin, alabaster fingers.

Meanwhile the squirrel squeaked as she escaped the marauding feline, unbeknownst to Draco. She darted across the room, climbed his robes and nestled upon his silky blond hair.

Draco went on, talking to his pet perched on his head. “And these are protection runes I guess. One looks like a tree, _Fehu_ it says. The other one is a square… _Ingwaz_. Damn scrawls! Says something about male… virility? Pity I didn’t pay much attention during Advanced Runes, I was too busy plotting to get Harry. Didn’t work, Freyja. Potter was oblivious until the night I met you.”

Pocketing the parchment, Draco murmured, “I could use this in my work though, I’ll keep it in mind.”

\--

Harry opened the door to the apartment, hefting the carton which held their dinner. “Draco, I’m home!”

“I heard you. You’re late. The bloody Muggle contraption that serves to cool the air doesn’t work!”

Harry eyed covetously the lean figure of his husband. Due to the muggy weather, Draco had discarded his robes and his trousers. He wore shorts and his bare chest gleamed with sweat. Harry took off his Auror robes, licking his lips as he planned to pounce on Draco, until his stomach growled.

Harry pointed to the switch on the wall. “Maybe you forgot to turn it on?”

“Did not!”

Walking to the kitchen, Harry called out, “I brought curry from that Hindu restaurant you like. Luna sent me that hare _Patronus,_ telling me we had run out of food.”

Draco sauntered after Harry. “How did she know?” He took out his wand and cast a spell to send the dishes flying to the table.

Harry shrugged. “That’s Luna for you. She has a way of knowing things.”

Draco went to the refrigerator and took out their Butterbeers. “Granger’s cat is staying with us. Luna is going to Italy with her husband.”

Sweating intensely because of the heat, Harry took off his shirt. Then he grabbed two Chocolate Frogs from the pocket of his trousers. With Seeker reflexes, he easily caught the first frog that tried to jump away.

“Aren’t you afraid he’ll eat your squirrel?”

“She has a name, Harry:  Freyja. I’ll ask you to keep it in mind.” Draco sniffed disdainfully, “After all, I call Longbottom’s toad by its name.”

Harry unwrapped the second frog and jumped to catch it. “Sure, I reckon ‘bloody amphibian’ is a common name for a--"

The fit Auror stopped when he noticed the blond’s furious look.

“I’ve told you that eating sweets spoils your appetite, Harry,” said Draco brandishing the Butterbeer glass as if it was his wand. “Where did you get that?”

Harry backed away a step or two, shuddering when he felt something running up the left leg of his trousers. But it was only the horned squirrel.

Harry smirked when he recalled the time when Draco crawled up Crabbe’s trousers as a ferret.  Then he frowned as he watched Draco put the glass on the table and cross his arms, pouting. That look didn’t portend anything good.

Harry scuffed the linoleum floor with his shoes. “It was a gift from Luna. She said it was for good luck, seeing as she was leaving on that trip of hers.”

Draco raised his arms, glaring at the chair where Luna usually sat when she visited them. “I’m sick and tired of Lovegood. She’s getting like Granger!”

“Draco, I won’t have you calling my friend names!”

“Didn’t call her anything, Harry.” Draco motioned to the table. “Let’s eat, shall we? What did you get?”

Harry put the carton on the table. “Got curry with fried fish and calamari, just the way you like it.”

Draco hit his forehead. “What will the ginger cat eat? I have to keep him fed so he doesn’t go after my Freyja.”

Harry took a napkin after he served himself from the box. Grabbing his glass, he put it against his forehead, enjoying its coldness before he took a sip. “Don’t worry; I’ll take care of getting his food. You still busy with the case of the Animagus murderer?”

“We suspect he’s a former Death Eater, haven’t been able to figure out his animal form though.”

The two wizards ate in silence. Their muscled bodies glistened in the muggy August weather as they kept glancing lustfully at each other. Until Draco jumped from the chair, moving his arms as if a hippogriff was about to attack him.

“BLOODY HELL, HARRY. WHY DO YOU LIKE IT HOT?”

Harry stood up, alarmed by his husband’s antics. “What are you on about, Draco?”

The blond gulped down the contents of his Butterbeer glass and then grabbed Harry’s.  He gasped for breath, finally muttering, “That bloody curry was the hottest I’ve had!”

Harry reached for his napkin, mumbling guiltily, “I forgot you don’t like it so hot, Draco. Forgive me?” He eyed the full dish on the other side of the table. “D’you mind if I eat yours too?”

The blond stomped out of the room. “I’ve lost my appetite.”

\--

Harry smiled craftily; he stuck out his tongue and licked Draco’s glans. The blond put his arms around the pillow that supported his head, moaning and trying to push up his hips into that inviting, moist cavern. The heavy scent of incense and something else tickled his nose.  “What is that smell?”

“Tell you later.” Harry leered at his husband. “You’re not so angry anymore, I gather?”

“No. Shut up and suck me!” growled Draco.

Harry opened his mouth, swallowing the thick girth as easily as a piece of treacle tart.

Draco grunted, writhing on the bed. Opening his eyes when Harry slipped a finger inside him, he idly noticed several points of lights above, near the immobile ceiling fan.

Draco was distracted when something feathery touched his balls. Despite himself, the blond giggled. “Stop that, Harry, it tickles!”

“It isn’t me!” growled Harry. “It’s your squirrel!”

Draco felt his pet running up his sweaty chest. Freyja watched her master as she cocked her head, her tail swishing around the blond’s right nipple.

“The half-Kneazle giving you trouble?” Draco petted her head; remembering the strange words on Luna’s parchment, he rubbed her horn.

Harry huffed. “Your bloody squirrel made me lose concentration!”

The blond nudged Freyja towards his husband. “Go to Harry!”

Looking down at the gorgeous sight of a sweaty, tan and erect Harry, Draco said hoarsely, “Rub her horn. Luna says it’s good for virility.”

Harry stared at the small furry mammal, which was chittering like the Chip and Dale cartoons he watched on the telly of his relatives when he sneaked downstairs of an evening.

The brunet smiled and rubbed the pale horn as Freyja caressed his fingers with her tail.

\--

Harry groaned when he felt Draco’s slick fingers touching that spot inside him that drove him crazy.

“You like that?” drawled Draco.

Draco pulled up Harry’s leg, kissing his shin as he put the heel over his shoulder. He pressed his slippery cockhead around Harry’s entrance; rubbing his rim, teasing him until Harry groaned. “Damn, fuck me!”

With an answering grunt, Draco thrust his cock past the tight hole. It had been a week since they had made love, so he felt near the edge already. Harry’s warmth around his cock was intoxicating.

“Come on! Hard!”

Draco answered by his actions, bucking his hips, driving his cock into that warm, clenching sleeve. At the end of his thrusts, he rotated his hips, rubbing Harry’s prostate in a circular motion that elicited moans from Harry, making Draco’s cock twitch. He let Harry’s leg fall down gently and moved it sideways, leaning down to kiss him, not without playing with his nipple, rubbing the areola in a maddening spiral that drove Harry crazy.

The brunet arched his back, moving down his hand to fist his thick cock, wet with precome. Feeling his orgasm approach, Harry shouted hoarsely, “Come with me!”

Draco’s hand pulled on Harry’s balls, sliding downward to rub softly his swollen rim where they were joined.

Harry came with a shout, clenching tightly around Draco. After several thrusts inside the twitching channel, Draco spurted his seed deep inside his husband.

After he took out his rapidly deflating member from inside Harry, Draco’s stomach rumbled. He reclined his head on Harry’s chest, listening to his soothing heartbeat.

Harry caressed his husband’s sweaty locks. “Hungry, love?”

Draco yawned, overcome with postcoital laziness. “Yes, but I’m tired.”

Looking up, he pointed at the strange lights of the ceiling. “What’s that?”

He felt Harry’s shrug. “Luna’s idea. You know those things they put over children’s cribs? Something like that.”

“So I guess the smell it’s another of Lovegood’s crazy ideas?”

“No, it’s mine.” Harry’s voice grew more tentative until he trailed off. “A mixture of incense, sandalwood and other herbs that’s supposed to…"

“To do what?”

Harry sighed. “You know I had the afternoon off?”

Draco answered softly. “Yes.” He knew that when Harry went on a tangent, it usually meant he had something important to say and was wrestling with the correct approach to tell him. It used to drive him mad in the first months of their relationship, but he had learned to let Harry tell the story the way he wanted - plus a furious Harry was quite intimidating.

“I went to visit Teddy. Draco, he looks so vital, bouncing with energy, curiosity dancing in his eyes.”

“Hmmm.” Draco reached up a hand to touch Harry’s tousled hair.

“It made me want to have a child around me, you know?”

“Harry, Teddy is welcome here. I’ve told you I’d be glad to raise him with you.”

“But our jobs are very demanding, Draco. Perhaps when Teddy is old enough…”

“That isn’t all though, is it?”

Harry said slowly, “The herbs? I heard someone at work mention useful tips to conceive.”

Draco lifted his upper body, staring at the brunet. Framing Harry’s cheeks with his hands, he said urgently, “A wizard having a child is almost unheard of. I’d love to have one with you, Harry. But you are enough for me. I love you, you silly Gryffindor!”

Harry essayed a weak smile. “I know, Draco. Love you too. But what if something happened to me?”

Harry continued in a hoarse whisper. “We have dangerous people to deal with, like that murderer that we are trying to catch. What if I lost you? I want a part of you. A child with blond hair and green eyes that will drive me crazy with his airs and moods.”

He touched Draco’s lips, tracing the contours with his thumb as tears fell down his cheeks. “I’ve always wanted a family, Draco.”

“I know, love.” Leaning towards his husband, Draco kissed the teardrops away, whispering, “I’ll look for ways, though I’m not that confident. Won’t lie to you.”

\--

Draco glared at the half-Kneazle who was licking his paws; looking for the entire world as if he had single-handedly vanquished Fluffy, the three-headed dog, when all he had done was eat his meal.

Adjusting his Unspeakable cloak around his shoulders, Draco said, “It’s been a week, Crookshanks. All you’ve done besides eating and sleeping is trying to eat my pet!”

_Meeoww?_

“Don’t look so innocent! Lovegood was right, all cats are Slytherin. I should know!”

Draco pointed his index finger at the squash-faced cat, intent on lecturing the feline. He was interrupted by the voice of his boss, Laguz Perkins, coming from the Floo. “Malfoy, we have information the suspect may be in a circus in Winterbourne, Bristol. Go there at once!”

“Yes, sir!”

Draco grabbed his wand and prepared to _Apparate._ Suddenly he felt the feather-light touch of his squirrel’s tail as it climbed up his leg. “Good thinking, Freyja! Don’t want to leave you with the ginger prowler.”

Just when the blond was about to disappear, Crookshanks seized his chance and leaped on Draco’s leg. The two mammals and the wizard went to the Midlands.

\--

Draco stared at the trail that crossed the lonely railroad that led to Winterbourne. He sniffed disdainfully at the overgrown vegetation whilst Crookshanks walked proudly beside him. He went up to the black and white post that stood by the side of the road, studying intently the square wooden signs. “Wonder what W/L means? Probably some useless Muggle thing!”

The horned squirrel peeked from beneath the lapels of his robes, squeaking as she fearfully stared down at the squashed face of the feline.

Draco frowned, trying to recall the runes in Luna’s parchment. Perhaps they could be useful? After all, Luna wrote they provided protection. Taking out his wand, the blond wizard etched the runes _Ingwaz_ and _Fehu_ in the upper wooden square. He took a step back and studied the sign, cocking his head as he swished his wand to disguise their shapes in case some nosy Muggle was puzzled by them. After all, he didn’t want to get into more trouble with the Ministry.

Draco Malfoy, with his magical pet squirrel and Crookshanks, made his way to the circus 50 feet to his left. The blond started interrogating the wizard in charge of the animals, discreetly casting spells that would reveal any hidden Animagus.

“Have you observed any strange behaviour?” Draco sat on the bench in front of the huge tent that housed the elephant.

“Ganeshi has been angrier than usual; she doesn’t want to be disturbed,” said Mr Greenbolt, the manager of the circus, pointing to the tent.

“You’ve had her since--" Draco cocked his eyebrows in the gesture that worked so well with Harry. However this man went on feeding a strange animal, which snarled ferociously at the blond.

Draco crossed his arms, huffing. “Since when have you had the elephant?”

Mr Greenbolt waved his hand, replying offhandedly. “Can’t remember, I guess a year or so. I brought her from India. This hot weather is wreaking havoc with her nerves, poor girl.”

The blond pointed at the animal which was eating the slab of meat. “You have a license for that magical beast?”

“Which one?” Mr. Greenbolt laid down the bucket with the meat. Following Draco’s hand, he smiled. “Hulsey’s not magical. He is a honey badger. We don’t have magical animals here, Mr Malfoy. We only use magic to set up the tents and keep them hidden from the Muggles.”

The curious horned squirrel descended from Draco’s pocket, making her way to the tent. Crookshanks, who was sniffing the snakes on a nearby tent, followed the squirrel’s movement and decided to stalk his prey once and for all.

Draco interrogated the people at the circus. Receiving no new information that could shed light on the whereabouts of the Animagus they were looking for, he retraced his steps.

He was so busy casting spells to ensure that none of the animals around were wizards in disguise that he forgot about his squirrel and Crookshanks.

\--

Ganeshi was finishing the latest batch of the food left by the caretakers, consisting on leaves supplemented with bamboo stalks and twigs. Then the elephant noticed a movement on the corner of the tent.

Lifting her trunk in a sinuous, snake-like movement that would have pleased Draco if he’d seen it, Ganeshi moved as silently as a pachyderm weighing 6,000 lbs could. Fortunately the other two mammals, significantly smaller than she, were too engrossed in their struggle to pay much attention to the elephant in the tent.

Freyja was cornered. She puffed her cheeks indignantly as she hissed; but there was no way she could escape the stalking orange feline. It seemed as if she didn’t want to, so intent was the horned squirrel in staring angrily at the predator.

Crookshanks raised his paw, hissing furiously at the small rodent. Suddenly he felt a wet touch on the fur of his back. The half-Kneazle jumped in the air, snarling and hissing as he turned like a ballet dancer so he ended up facing the elephant’s trunk.

Crookshanks was not defenceless against the intruding pachyderm. He had his claws; he scratched Ganeshi’s sensitive trunk. Since he was, after all, a Gryffindor’s cat, Crookshanks advanced threateningly on the much larger mammal.

Faced with such overwhelming ferocity, Ganeshi trumpeted madly and panicked.

\--

Draco had stopped in front of the wooden sign, wondering if it was worth it to restore the original writing. He cast a hurried _Tempus,_ asking himself if Harry was off duty. He thought about going to a restaurant and eating curry, this time not so spicy, when he felt the earth tremble.

“What in Merlin’s name is that?”

Draco heard an ominous sound that reminded him of an angry troll. Turning to his left, what he saw scared him out of his wits.

\--

Harry Apparated into Laguz Perkins’ office.

The Head Unspeakable said gruffly, “Time you got here, Potter. I’m sending you to bring back Malfoy. We got the criminal, and it’s a waste of his time to keep searching that area.”

“But sir, why didn’t you send him a _Patronus_?”

“Can’t conjure a happy feeling, Potter. Ever since my beloved wife passed away." Perkins waved a thin stripe of parchment on his hand. “Malfoy is in a circus near Winterbourne. The coordinates are here.”

“I’ll do it, sir.” Harry grabbed the parchment and read it.

When Harry appeared on the outskirts of the town, he stared at the two metal rails that met in the horizon; shaking his head, he sighed wistfully. He’d never get to share such a beautiful sight with a son of his blood. A child who would have the same silky blond hair as Draco, and his mother’s green eyes.

However, all melancholic thoughts left him when he saw in quick succession:

_A shock of white hair belonging to Draco, bobbing up and down as he ran like crazy, like a herd of mad hippogriffs were after him._

_A huge elephant galloping across the rails, its trunk held protectively down and its tail lifted as if to keep it from being attacked._

_The orange half-Kneazle that he knew so well, snarling and chasing the cowardly elephant._

Harry cracked up; he started laughing so hard, tears ran down his cheeks. Overcome by the sheer delightful episode, he put his arms around his stomach, falling down to the ground. _I wish I had had a camera. Wait, there’s no need for that. What’s a Pensieve for?_

After several minutes, Harry stood up and walked to the path, still giggling as he kicked the small boulders that were on the shoulder of the road. Finally, Harry put his hands in his pockets and sauntered after Draco, the elephant, and Crookshanks.  
  


\--

The horned squirrel skittered across the road, approaching the sign. She lifted her head and chittered happily at the woman there. Luna bent down to pick up Freyja, petting the squirrel’s furry head. She was wearing a jumper and black chinos. Frowning, Luna put the squirrel on her shoulder whilst she searched through her pockets. She took out a yellowed parchment and a quill.

She squinted as she read what she had written there.

**_Luna’s tips for getting pregnant faster:_ **

_Get the two Seekers to fall in love with the aid of an Einhörnchen_. Check _  
Make love under fertility fairies, provided by Rolf._ Check _  
Eat fried squid, condimented with hot sauce; it all serves as aphrodisiac._ Check. _  
Visit the Midlands on August during the Harvest Moon; a propitious time and place for fertilization._ Check. _  
Get them to draw the male fertility rune, Ingwaz._

Luna frowned, studying intently the wooden sign which held Draco’s two runes. Finally she smiled and murmured happily to the squirrel, “Draco also drew the rune _Fehu_. They’re sure to have twins! Check!"

She continued reading aloud. “Get them to walk the straight path guarded by the runes.”

She squinted, gazing at the road the two men had followed, filled with strewn pebbles. “Straight enough, check! Glad I could count on Crookshanks. Laguz was tough to persuade though, he didn’t want to send Draco here.” Luna was about to put the parchment back on her pocket when the squirrel hissed angrily. She turned to smile at Freyja, perched upon her left shoulder. “Sorry, I forgot your important role, little one.”

Biting her lip in concentration, Luna put the parchment against the wooden sign and scrawled upon it. _Seventh tip, the most important one: Get the two men who will be the fathers to rub the horn of the einhörnchen for fertility, which will surely cause pregnancy according to the ancient Roman wizards._ Check.

Freyja caressed Luna’s snowy hair with her fluffy tail as the former Ravenclaw skipped gaily along the path travelled by her friends. “Harry will be so happy! Draco too of course, though I’ll have to keep away from him for a while. Don’t want to be hurt by the angry dragon.”

Luna, who could easily decipher the most complex riddles guarding Ravenclaw tower, looked back at the tents of the circus, barely visible between the copses of trees. “I can’t wait for the baby to be born, nine months from now! They’d better make me the godmother, little one, or else! I can be quite the Slytherin too, you know.”  
  
  
 _\--_

 

_  
_


End file.
